I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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