I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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