I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize