and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
