Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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