for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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