I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
