don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
