Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
