oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
