First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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