if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
