You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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