I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
