He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
