It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
