out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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