woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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