I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
