I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
