If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
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