Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
