I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's official drugs can't kill me
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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