Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You can't motorboat a personality
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
