My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
