Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
