He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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