Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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