I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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