I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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