There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
