It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
