You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
