respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
