i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
