when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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