dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
