here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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