1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
