On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
