Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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