You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
