The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
