How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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