She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
