Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
