Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
