I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
two words: eviction party
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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