JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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