Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
