Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
