I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
false alarm, still single
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