Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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