there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
