i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
