mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
