I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
