the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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